Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for two things (way more than that, but the two things will take up enough space on this post :)

First, my Fwend gave me a book called, Dangerous Surrender by Kay Warren (Rick Warren's wife... Purpose Driven Life Guy) while I was in Florida. The title made me cringe a bit because it has the word, "Surrender" in it... Surrender (totally to God) has been one of my constant struggles in my Christian walk. Surrender is not something that is easily defined for the Christian. I think "surrender" is different and unique to every Christian's individual walk, but something that has to be done to truly live the life God has planned for us. My issue with "surrendering" is both rooted in fear and control (me wanting the control), but it is something I must do in my walk if I am going to go to the next level with God. OK, I am sensing I could go on, so I will draw this reason to a close. The book is wonderful and I am only on the 7th chapter. Reading the book is "dangerous"... I have held the book and shut my eyes, and held my breath when I read some of the chapters. The chapters are spiritually meaty (do you like that word?), and oh so in your face in a good challenging way. I think God may have brought this book into my life at this time because things are coming to a head with this whole surrender issue and me. Maybe God thinks it is time I deal with my stuff. I will end by saying that I really did not know a lot about Kay Warren and her life, but I just love her now. Kay is one authentic, truth speaking woman. Thank you Fwend for the book!

Second, I feel like I finally am ready to truly surrender (there is that word again) my food addiction to the Lord. If any of you have read my blog for a long period of time, you have seen many posts dedicated to my food struggle... You probably have read posts about me finally realizing I had a problem, and I was ready to get serious, only to find out several posts later that I was not really serious. Ladies, all I know is that my food issues are really not about me losing weight. Normally, me losing weight is the reason I want to deal with my food issues, but it really goes deeper than that. Now, I feel like if I don't get this issue under control it is disobedience to God, and it doesn't feel too good to walk in disobedience to God.

Food has been my friend and escape since I was a child. When I was in Florida last week I had a small realization. My sister and I went out to eat and we were talking about our childhood memories and mostly laughing. My sister has the memory of a ________ (what is the animal with a great memory?..whatever it is fill that in the blank), and I remember so little. I love hanging out with her because she helps me remember my childhood :). We were having a conversation and we started talking about things we did when we were younger... she asked me if I remembered our nicknames (I will not share hers for privacy). These nicknames were actually not nice qualities, but somehow when your young you get these nicknames and everyone (me included) laughs about it, but it is not really funny. I joked right away and said mine must have been something like "fatty", and I was right. The funny thing was that I was not really a child with a weight problem. I did go through a few stages where I had a little extra fat, but for most of my childhood I was a normal weight. It was mostly after marriage that I became in the overweight category. Back to the story, my sister mentioned about me always getting blamed for eating the food, and I joked with her that 99% of the time I was the one that ate the food. This story may seem a little sad, but honestly I do not feel pain or sadness about this...it just made me think that I have had this stronghold with food for as long as I can remember. No, I am not addicted to alcohol or drugs, but food has been my alcohol and drugs... Food has been there for me for pleasure and in pain, and most of all it has been my escape from all my problems.

I realized a few months ago that I am never going to lick this problem (at its root source) on my own. Yes, I may be able to muster a little will power and lose some weight, but sooner or later I will fail. When that realization came to me, I had a quick glimpse in my mind what it would be like to be free from my food addiction, and I felt such a peace. It felt to me like God gave me a quick glimpse with the emotions of being free from food, and it was so peaceful. I even cried a little, and I think one reason I was crying was because I was sad to let my food addiction go. Weird, but it has been a part of me for so long that I don't know how to operate without it, or I don't want to operate without it. That night I should have got out of my bed and went straight to the floor on my knees and surrendered control of this area to God. I felt like I was ready, but I hesitated and the next morning the urgency was gone. OK, I need to bring this to a close (hopefully people are still reading...).

This past week, I decided to give God control of this area of my life. In the last 3 days I have messed up a little, but the resolve to surrender this to God has not diminished. I am in the process of working through this with God so that I can be free, truly free. I don't know how long the process will take... I expect I will mess up many times in my journey, but I am not going to stop (with God's help) until the control of this area of my life is in God's hands. I suspect weight loss will be a benefit of this journey, but as I told a friend when I am done with this thing I want to be able to tell people that it was God working through me, and not a certain eating plan that worked for me.

Ladies, my heart is desperately wicked, and I know that at times words and thoughts like these are just that, words and thoughts, but I want what I wrote today to be truth in my life. If you would, please say a prayer for me for strength...these last days have not been easy, and I expect more hard days to come. Thanks for sticking with me on this post. I am truly thankful that God has been so patient with me, and I know that He will be faithful to me in this area. My goal is to "surrender"....or as Kay Warren might say, "dangerously surrender".
Blessings to you today as you name all the things you are thankful for....