17 Years

Today is my 17th wedding anniversary. 17 YEARS...that is a big number...Almost half of the years I have been alive :) I wanted to write a little post today in honor of my anniversary. Well, really not in honor, but in praise to God for these last 17 years.

Actually, I wanted the title of this post to be "Divorce is not an option". Those were some of the first words that were spoken by myself and my husband that began the healing and saving of our marriage.

Before I begin, I just want to say that if it had not been for God's intervention, my marriage could have ended in divorce. I take no high road here and act like a divorce could never happen to me, but I do believe that as long as my husband and I keep seeking God individually and as a couple we will not head down that path. I could write a book about this subject, but I will only write a little bit of my story today in hopes of encouraging those who might stumble across my blog and take time to read this post.


Like many young couples my husband and I jumped into marriage without thinking everything through...we loved each other and that is all we thought we needed. Boy, were we wrong. Again, I could really go into a lot of details, but I don't want this post to go on and on. The "get to the point" version of this story is that my husband and I both had issues (emotional baggage) that we brought into our marriage. Since this is my story I will focus in on my issues.

I never lived on my own, basically I went right from living with my parents to living as a wife. I was extremely selfish and I didn't have a clue on how to be the wife that God called me to be. Not to mention that I indulged in a steady diet of Hollywood movies from a young age, and that perpetuated the idea of what romance and marriage should be like...A BIG FAIRY TALE with everyone living "happily ever after". Well, "happily ever after" takes a lot of work.

Take all of that, and add a nice helping of "financial woes", and you have a recipe for a marital disaster. Before I go on, I don't want you to think that all of my early years of marriage were bad, actually my husband and I had many enjoyable seasons in our early years. But we were not dealing with the deeper issues, and that in and of itself would come back to wreak havoc in our marriage.

I had said that I wanted to title this post "Divorce is not an option" that is because during our early years the word "divorce" was thrown around by myself and my husband when we were arguing. Half the time I said that word, I didn't really mean it, I just wanted to hurt my husband or maybe at some level I just wanted out of the conflict, but not out of my marriage. I think I hoped that if I said that word, my husband would suddenly wake up and act more loving toward me, or at least do what I wanted him to do. However, I never realized the damage that came from both of us throwing the word "divorce" around so easily. Not until God opened my eyes to the damage that word could cause.

During those early years, God opened my eyes to many things. One of the biggest things God showed me was that I needed to look in the mirror and stop trying to change my husband. Changing my husband was not my job, but God's job. During that time, I realized that using the word "divorce" was a destructive force in our marriage. I remember one time sitting down with my husband and having the discussion about us not using the word "DIVORCE" anymore. Even if we didn't know what to do to solve our problems, we knew that we would be together figuring it out.

It is time to bring this post to an end, but I have to say that it wasn't the fact that my husband and I stopped using the word "divorce" that saved our marriage. It was that fact that during those early years, I stopped focusing in on changing my husband and sought God to help me change, and God got a hold of my husband's heart as well and changed his heart. God was changing my husband and changing me, and at the same time He was healing and saving our marriage.

17 years later... my husband and and I are still fighting, but not in a bad way...we are fighting for our marriage. We are far from perfect, but we are committed to each other. We have a good marriage that is thriving, and I know that is because God came into our marriage and into both of our hearts and changed us forevermore.

Today on my anniversary I am reminded of God's goodness and God's power to save anyone or anything. Thank you God... You are Life and Love...

Submission DOES NOT EQUAL Slavery

Disclaimer: This post is about being a submissive wife...right now I will say that I still have a long way to go to be the submissive wife God wants me to be. There are thousands of other women who are better suited to write this blog post, but I figure that there too are many women just like me that have struggled in being submissive to their husbands, so I share my story in hopes of encouraging others...

OK, I really wanted to use the not equal symbol for my title, but I couldn't find it on my keyboard :) I know my title is a bit bold, but I really find it true most of the times when I mention the word submission as it applies to a wife. Now I am not surprised at all when women that are not Christians do not understand what being a submissive wife means. In today's society I think women who do not follow Christ can get their ideas from what the "world" says a wife should be. Although, I know there are many women that are not Christians that really for all intents and purposes submit to their husbands, and easily could be labeled a submissive wife.

I guess my surprise comes when I mention being a submissive wife in Christian circles and I get the talk about how we shouldn't be slaves to our husbands. Like I said in my disclaimer above, I am no expert in the arena of being a submissive wife, but I am learning. I fail more than I would like to admit, and on a bad day you may not be able to tell that I have come a long way in this area, but I still press on. I think there are probably a couple reasons I come across the "slavery talk" when it comes to submission. One...I think women just have not been taught what being a submissive wife really looks like in real life. Two...Women just don't want to be submissive (this is where I was for a long time...In Sin). There are definitely more reasons, but that is not what this post is about.

I felt the need to write this post because a couple of things happened while I was on vacation that got me thinking about this subject. The first thing that happened was someone quickly linked something I said about how a wife should treat their husband with the idea that I was saying the woman should be a doormat...I didn't refer to anything like that... I think I said something about how a women should respect her man and not say anything bad about him. BUT it was the second situation that happened that really stuck with me and made me want to write this post.

While on vacation, my hubby and I took the boys to a restaurant to eat dinner. The restaurant was pretty empty. We sat toward the back of the restaurant (I wondered if the sight of 3 rambunctious boys made the server sit us in the back :) There was only one other couple in our area, and if I remember correctly the young couple had 3 girls with them.

We enjoyed our dinner and our kids were finishing up eating their dessert. The other couple got up to leave, and as they walked by our table the father was holding his little girl by her feet and swinging her. I think he let her go (not dropped her) and she was on the floor. The woman who I assume was his wife said something like, "Seriously, what are you doing..." He said something about this restaurant being a place to have fun. She then replied (I am paraphrasing here), "Grow up, you are embarrassing me. These people (talking about us) are trying to eat dinner." Again I don't know that I got all her words correct, but she basically said what I quoted above. The other thing that got to me was her tone with her husband...it was so cold. It was like she was mothering him.

Right away I felt sorry for the husband. A wife should not do that to her husband. I have been that wife, a million times and more. Maybe I didn't scold my husband in a restaurant in front of others, but I have surely demeaned him in front of others more times than I can remember.

-I have been sarcastic with him

-I have told him what to do

-I have acted like his mother

-I have been embarrassed of him because of the way I thought he made me look

-I have corrected him in front of others

I could go on with this list, but I don't want too...I will wrap it up here and nail it down to one big statement. I have not RESPECTED my husband the way God calls me to.

After the couple left the restaurant I said something to my husband about how sorry I felt for the husband, and the first thing that my husband said was although the wife did do something wrong that basically can cut to the core of a man's soul, she was right. I was shocked by what my husband said...he was defending the wife. I thought my husband would be so glad that I noticed what the wife did wrong, and my husband was telling me what the husband did wrong. My hubby said that in theory his wife was right. The husband was not taking into consideration the other guests in the restaurant and how they might feel by his antics. (SIDENOTE: We could care less that the man was playing with his daughter, but we realize that some patrons would have a problem with this...whether they were right or wrong).

My hubby went onto say that the wife probably thinks that how the husband acted was a poor reflection on her, and what kind of mom she is. Right or wrong, I still thought it was amazing that my hubby was trying to look at things from the wife's perspective even though he disagreed with how she treated the husband. I just want you to know that this little experience shows how the Lord has grown me and my husband in our marriage. I was looking at the situation from how the wife mistreated the husband, and my hubby was trying to imagine how the wife felt even though she was wrong in how she demeaned her husband. WOW!!!

Our God is amazing, and I am thankful that He opened my eyes to how I treated my husband. There came a point in my life that I wanted to get serious in my relationship with the Lord, and my sinful actions as a wife to my husband were keeping me from growing deeper with Jesus. I had to face the sin in my own life and own up to my part of how I was not treating my husband the way God called me to, regardless of how my husband was treating me. So I determined to go a different way...God's Way, and the most amazing thing happened.... My husband began to change too, and he started becoming the man of God that I wanted to submit to, even when it was hard to submit :)

Although my hubby and I don't do this marriage thing perfectly and sometimes not even well, God has become the center of our marriage, and He is changing us into a couple that we could not have imagined we could ever be. To Him be the Praise!!!

Some Thoughts on Marriage...

This month I will have been married to my hubby for 16 years... In the beginning of our marriage I couldn't have imagined we would make it to 16...shoot I didn't think we were going to make it past 3 years... But because of our Great and Powerful God we are still together and we are in love...not the love that is found in a romantic chick flick, but real love...the kind that takes lots of work, and most importantly God to make it last. I don't know if I am going to be able to transfer my thoughts into something that makes sense on this blog, but I am going to try to. So here it goes...

My husband has been reading a Christian book on marriage (and no I didn't give him this one...he bought it himself which totally shocked me :) It is really having a positive effect on him. I have noticed in the last month or so that he is really trying to make some changes when it comes to our marriage...Changes of his heart. Pursuing God to help him do things that are really hard for him. If I summed it up I would say he is seeking to become less self-centered by becoming God centered. As that happens he becomes more serving to me...thinking of me before he thinks of himself.

About two months ago my hubby and I went through a rough patch... We have done so well for so long, but you can never get to comfortable in a marriage, and I believe the rough patch brought to light things that still need to be worked on in our marriage. I think that is about the time that my husband started reading the book I referenced above. The Lord also showed me many areas that I lacked in when it came to our marriage. So for the last two months my husband and I have been working on our marriage through lots of communication and prayer. It's a long process, but one worth going through.

OK, so in the midst of this process I thought of something. I do believe that my husband and I should work hard on our marriage and do everything possible to make it the best it can be, but if our focus is that we work on things in our marriage so we can be happy, then we have missed something. Don't get me wrong I do want to be happy, but even when I experience the best day with my husband there is still something that is missing deep down in my soul. A happy marriage will not totally make me feel fulfilled...it's not suppose to. God is the only one that can fill up my soul completely.

So what am I trying to say? In the pursuit of a good marriage, I need to keep my focus on God. I know that God wants me to truly serve my husband and be the wife that He created me to be. The wife that God wants me to be is impossible for me to be on my own. I totally need God to strengthen and empower me to be selfless so I can truly serve my husband. If I truly let God work through me then more than likely I will have a happy marriage, but having a happy marriage is not the end result, but an overflow of God's work in my life. And that empty feeling in my soul will be more filled because I will have been seeking God to empower me to what only He can do through me. So in the end my husband will benefit, but I think I will have even benefited more because I will have drawn closer to God. Does that make sense???

Bottom line... You can work hard to have the best marriage you can, but realize that even if you attain what the world calls a good and happy marriage, you may still feel very empty. On the other hand, work hard to be the wife or husband that God has called you to be by surrendering to God and the work He wants to do to make you the wife/husband He wants you to be. In most cases I would think you would have a good marriage, but good marriage or not you will have something that cannot be taken away from you... A closer walk and relationship with God...there is nothing sweeter in this life.

OK, it is 11:30 and my brain is shutting down, but I hope at least some of what I was trying to say was understood... Until next time...

15 years later...

See original post below to see what we looked like 15 years ago... My 5 year old took these pictures...

Today is our Anniversary :)

15 Years Ago... I will have an updated photo next week...We are going out for dinner on Saturday...

Our marriage is a testament to God's goodness. Marriage is probably the hardest thing I have ever done (motherhood is a close second). God has used my marriage to shape me into the person He wants me to be... I have a long way to go, but the work has begun :)

Love you "U"!!!

A page from our journal...

In December of 2006, a couple friend of ours (Hubby and I) gave us a blank journal. The purpose of this journal was for Hubby and I to write "love notes" back and forth to each other. The notes could be simple, short and sweet, or a very long love letter. Once one of us finished writing in the journal we were to place it somewhere our spouse would find it...discover it... Once my hubby placed mine in the fridge (he knows me so well :)

Well, today I found the journal in the front seat of my car. So far we have only 5 entries... not so good, but it is quality not quanity, right? I had the idea to share today's entry from my hubby with the blogging world. I asked his permission if I could share today's love letter, and my hubby quickly gave his permission.

Make me a promise...if you read the love note, you must read what comes after the note as well... Today's sharing has a purpose.

Journal entry number 5 written by my hubby...

Hi Hon! 9-27-07

Well, at the rate we're going writing notes in this, we may be able to pass it on to one of the kids in our 70's and still not have it filled :) I'm joking of course, as I find it more special when we write as we feel moved, not out of obligation. This business trip seemed to take an eternity! I cannot wait to get home and see you! Trips like these are good as they help to remind me just how much I love, cherish, and adore you. I think the neatest revelation I had on this trip is to realize how great a friend you are to me. I really missed our "dish time" together and connecting... ("Dish Time" is kind of like "Couch Time" for any of the "Growing Kids God's Way people-we just don't sit on a couch, we do the dishes together) the phone just wasn't the same! I'm really looking forward to our trip in a month. I love getting alone time with you...even if it is in an airplane with you falling asleep! (ME AGAIN-I hate flying..so sleeping is a good way to get through a flight) Thank you for being not only a wonderful wife, but such a great friend. I missed you more than you'll ever know on this trip, and I can't wait to see you in 8 hours. I love you...

(I can't get the italicize or bold to go off)


Why did I ask you to make sure to keep reading? Well, because this journal entry is a tribute to the Lord. If not for the Lord, my hubby and I would probably have been divorced a long time ago. If not divorced, we would be in a bad marriage to say the least. For the first 7 years of our marriage (although not all bad) we just co-existed. We didn't know that our marriage could be where it is today. God took two selfish, messed up people, and made us one.

The change happened when we both started seeking the Lord as individuals. I was so busy asking God to change my hubby, that I never looked at all the changes I needed to make. Once God showed me that I needed to work on me, I didn't even have time to think about what my hubby needed to change. Honestly, I was the only person I could change anyway... I couldn't make my husband change... My husband learned the same lesson.

Don't get me wrong, we do not have a perfect marriage...far from it... some days we revisit past failures and take up some old bad habits (that normally stems from a disconnect with the Lord in our individual relationship), but I can say that we do not stay there to long. Praise the Lord!!!

Wherever you are in your marriage...let me encourage you today!!! God can make a wonderful marriage even more wonderful...He can make a good marriage wonderful, and He can take a getting ready for Divorce Court marriage and save it quicker than you can blink your eye. God will show up on our behalf!!!

Seek Him, repent from old sinful habits if you need to (I SURE DID), and watch Him fight for you and your marriage. HE IS SO WONDERFUL!!!!

Thank you Jesus, without you I would be a mess, and so would my marriage.

Sweet Hubby, thank you for your love letter... You have turned into a Godly man right before my very eyes. I love that we are friends too!!! To Know Him (you know my real name :)